What I Want
by omens
Summary: All Lucas ever wanted was to love her. Now he just wants to put her behind him. Post Conclusions.
1. Prologue

_**A/N: After Conclusions this popped into my head and I couldn't get rid of it. Let me know if there's any point in continuing.**_

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Disclaimer: Oh, I wish.

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Prologue

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I wonder if it's possible to fall in love at fifteen.

Most people would say it's not. They would say point blank that someone who's fifteen lacks the life experience to truly understand what love means.

But what if it is possible?

If it is, then I fell in love at fifteen. Completely, hopelessly, head over heels in love.

And you know what? It sucked. Big time.

Why? Because the girl I fell so in love with didn't fall back. And that hurt.

We were friends. And then everything changed. I fell for her. Vaughn fell for her. She fell for him. And everyone ended up hurting one another over and over again.

I know she cared about me. Trusted me. Maybe even liked me a little. That's all I ever wanted-for Josie to care for me the way I cared for her. But there was always this thing between her and Vaughn. A connection that none of us fully understood but we all recognized. Despite their issues, neither of them could fully give the other one up.

And if you think I haven't tried to get over her, you're dead wrong. I have. But it's hard. She's inside of me and refuses to come out. Which totally figures. Josie's the most stubborn person I've ever met. So it makes perfect sense that she'd do this to me.

Not that she did it on purpose. More than anything else I've ever known, I know that Josie would never intentionally hurt me.

None of this is her fault. It's not anyone's fault. It just happened.

It's been almost six months since she came back from that other timeline she was in. Before that I hadn't seen her in a year. But the moment I did it was like nothing had changed. The same feeling washed over me and all I could see was her.

I hear from her at least once a week. She emails all of us. After being isolated for so long she says she doesn't want lose any of us again.

I haven't seen her, face to face, since then. But I think about her constantly. It's all I can do to get through the day without calling her. So far I've done it. No phone calls. A few, impersonal emails every few weeks. Enough to let her know I'm glad she's back but not so much that she realizes I'm not over her. Because I'm not.

Sometimes I think I never will be.

I know it hurts her that I've stayed so distant. Marshall, Corrine, Z, even Vaughn have told me that she asks all the time why I don't make more of an effort. They go see her all the time. But I can't do it. Yet she never gives up on me. Every Tuesday like clockwork I wake up to a new message from her telling me all about the way things are going for her. I smile as I read it-proof that she's safe and happy.

They all think that I'm being stupid about this. They know my reasons, but they swore not to tell her, and say I could let her know I haven't cut her out of my life. Corrine told me once that I was wrong in thinking her disappearance hurt me more than it did the rest of them. I would never say so, but she's wrong. The rest of them, they all knew where they stood with her. Even Vaughn. But we could never quite figure it out. So while they were left with a missing friend or sort of girlfriend, I was left a question mark. A what might have been.

So I go about my day-class, work, study. I hang out with my friends on the weekends. I talk to my dad. I live my life without her in it. Just like I did for a year. But now it's different. Because now I know where she is. I could go see her if I had the courage.

But I can't. If I do, she'll know. And I can't go through that again.

I have to put her behind me. For all our sakes.

Maybe someday I'll be able to. To go and hug her again and see just the beautiful friend she always was. The girl who made me laugh. Made me angry. Trusted me. Broke my heart. Mended it.

But not yet.

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_**A/N: Yeah, it's a little random. I wrote it quickly. If anyone wants to read any more, it will sort out. I promise.**_


	2. Chapter 1

_**A/N: I would have had this up sooner, but the site hasn't been letting me upload documents.**_

"I have to hand it to you, Lucas, this is a great place." Marshall said as he continued to gaze out of the large picture window. Lucas's new apartment had probably one of the best views in all of Manhattan. He could see the park, the river, even Times Square in the distance.

Unfortunately, a view that great came at a price. As in astronomically high rent. So Lucas was forced to get a roommate. Corrine was in the other room on his laptop looking over the ad he was going to out. She had banished him to the living room with Marshall because she said he'd been nagging her and she couldn't concentrate. Why shouldn't he be picky? He was choosing someone to **live** with, not a dog.

"So when's your dad getting in?" Marshall asked.

"In about an hour. He's really excited to see the place. I think he didn't believe I'd actually save enough to move out of the dorms."

"For such a great school, you certainly got the rejects, huh?"

Lucas laughed. It was true. The roommates he'd been assigned during his freshman year at NYU weren't exactly what he had hoped for. One was a germaphobe who sprayed Lysol on everything whenever it was touched and that sent him to the med center with sever asthma attacks on several occasions. The other was an insomniac who stayed up all night watching the Simpson's and insisted everyone be quiet so he could sleep from three in the afternoon until eight.

"But now they have each other and I'm fifteen blocks away." Lucas said and stretched his arms above his head in appreciation of the space.

Corrine walked in and handed him the ad. "All finished."

He scanned it quickly. "Hey!" he shouted, "You took out all the important parts."

"Lucas," she said calmly, "putting 'no freaks or jocks' would only guarantee you paying the rent yourself on a permanent basis."

"Fine. But if some weirdo shows up here…"

"You can blame me." She finished for him.

The buzzer by the door sounded and Lucas went to answer it. He returned a few moments later followed by his dad and an enormous bag of groceries and three take-out containers.

"This is a great place son." He smiled proudly at his son.

"Yeah, I just hope I get someone normal to share it with me."

"Maybe you'll get a cute girl roommate." Marshall said.

"Marshall…" Corrine said warningly.

"What? It's been what, three months since you set him up wit that Casey girl? He has to get out there." Marshall snapped.

"I agree with Marshall on that one." His dad said. He wasn't sure why his son had put a hold his love life but he knew it must have been bad.

"I'm just not ready yet." Lucas said.

"Lucas, it's been six months since J-" Marshall started, but Lucas cut him off abruptly with a very loud "I know!"

There was a heavy silence in the air for several minutes until Lucas stood and muttered that he was going out for a walk.

Corrine turned to glare at Marshall as the sound of the door slamming echoed around the table. "Why did you have to do that Marshall?"

"Corrine, you know as well as I do that he can't keep hiding forever. He needs to get over it."

"He will." She assured him. "He just needs time."

…………………

Lucas walked down the street in front of his building. Why couldn't Marshall just realize that he wasn't ready? He wasn't swearing girls off forever, just until he could think about Josie without wanting to punch something.

He missed her so much it hurt. But she was with her mom where she needed to be now and he understood that. He'd been trying to give her space, give them both space, ever since graduation.

When she had emailed last month him she had mentioned that she had been talking to Vaughn a lot lately and they were trying to figure out what exactly had happened between their parents.

He hadn't read any of her messages since then.

He wasn't jealous. He figured she would end up back with Vaughn. They all did. But he didn't need it rubbed in his face while he was trying so desperately to get her out of his system.

If he could.

……………….

"Hey Lucas, his dad said to him the next day after he got back from class. "You've got some messages on the counter."

He riffled through them, hoping one would instantly jump out at him and say 'I'm your new roommate!', but none did. They were all phone numbers and had tiny plus or minus signs in the bottom corner, what his dad thought of them. He threw the ones with the minuses in the garbage can and looked at the remaining four. The one with the Pennsylvania area code drew his eye.

"Hey, Dad?"

"Yeah?" his dad walked over form the stove where he was cooking dinner.

"Who was this one?" he showed him the number.

"A woman whose daughter is interested. Apparently she went through a rough time and took some time off from school. Now she's been accepted to NYU and she's staying with a relative here in town."

"What kind of rough time?"

"She didn't really get into it. Something about her and her father having some issues. She said it was really hard on her."

"Okay, I'll call he back and set up a time for her to come see the place. She doesn't sound so bad."

No sooner than the words were out of his mouth than a thought occurred to him. "She's not on medication or anything, is she?"

…………………

"Thanks for being here with me guys." Lucas said to Corrine and Marshall. They had been there since noon helping him interview possible roommates. So far, they disapproved of all three people that had been there.

"Just one more. The girl with 'father issues.'" Marshall announced and handed Lucas his list of questions, as if he needed it.

There was a knock at the door and Marshall went to answer it.

"I hope this one's okay." Lucas said softly.

"Lucas?" Marshall said, walking back into the room, looking as though he had just seen a ghost.

"What's wrong? Is she here?" he and Corrine stood up.

"Yeah." A voice behind Marshall said. "She's here."

Marshall moved over to let the owner of the voice through. Corrine gasped and Lucas felt his heart (as well as his stomach) drop through the floor.

It was Josie.

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**_A/N: I put Josie in Pennsylvania because it's my theory that's where BHH was. Both Victor and Z went to Penn State and the school is supposedly back east somewhere. Hope nobody minds._**


	3. Chapter 2

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"Josie." Corrine rushed forward and flung her arms around her in welcome. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to see the apartment. Do you live here?" Josie said.

"No. It's Lucas's." Corrine told her.

They both looked over at Lucas, who hadn't moved since Josie had first walked in.

"Lucas." Josie said softly. She began to walk toward him, and both were reminded of the day she had come back from her alternate timeline. Just like then, Lucas was too shocked to move. She stopped in front of him and whispered, "I really missed you."

Neither of them noticed Corrine pulling Marshall toward the door.

Hesitantly, Josie hugged him. He was so much taller than her now she had to wrap her arms around his waist since he wasn't bending to accommodate her height.

He seemed to snap out of his trance and patted her on the back awkwardly. She pulled back slowly. "You look good Lucas."

He ran a hand through his hair self-consciously. It was a lot shorter than the last time he'd seen her, more like it had been when she'd disappeared. And his former roommate's addiction to Lysol had forced him to get contacts to avoid the residue on his glasses that kept getting in his eyes.

"I almost didn't recognize you."

"You look exactly the same," he said, finally finding his voice, "just as beautiful as ever." An uncomfortable blush rose in her cheeks and he added, "And I think you've grown a little."

She smiled and punched him lightly on the arm. Her height had always been a touchy subject and the joke to cover his blunder was just what they needed to break the tension. He returned her smile.

"So this is your place?" she asks, walking over to the window. "Great view."

"Yeah, that's what everyone says."

"So, am I going to get a tour or what?" Josie asked him.

Everything in him was screaming that this was a bad idea. He had been trying so hard to get Josie out of his system. If he let her move in now, he'd never get over her.

But that look. The one she always gave him. He couldn't say no to it and she was giving it to him now. She was gazing up him with complete trust in her big brown eyes and he felt himself melt just like always. She had to know that he couldn't refuse her anything when she looked at him that way.

"Sure, but as far as I'm concerned, the room is yours if you want it."

"Really?" Her voice held a disbelieving tone, but at his nod her face broke into a huge smile that he couldn't help but return.

"Thank you." she cried and flung her arms around him again. "You're the best. I'm going to go get my stuff from my aunt's right now. I do have a bed right?"

"There's one in there, but if you don't like it…"

"As long as I don't have to stay with my aunt tonight, I would sleep on the kitchen floor." she said. "I'll be back in an hour. You can time me."

She left and Lucas stared at the door long after she'd gone wondering if he'd just made the worst mistake of his life.

…………………

"I can't believe you're letting Josie move in here." Marshall said for the third time since he'd gotten there. It had been two hours since Josie had returned with her stuff and he and Corrine were helping her unpack.

"Marshall, what did you want me to do-she needs a place to live." Lucas defended, an annoyed tone creeping into his voice.

"But here? You and I both know this is a bad idea."

"I couldn't say no." he whispered.

"Why not? You said no to everyone else."

Lucas grabbed him by the arm and pulled him into the kitchen so they couldn't be overheard. "Josie isn't just someone else. Not to me."

He turned away and ran his hands through his hair distractedly. "God, I just want this to all be over. Once and for all."

"And you think that's going to happen with her in the room next door?" Marshall asked.

"Don't you think I've asked myself the exact same questions? What will it be like to have Josie here? What if she starts dating someone? What if Vaughn shows up at my door? What if…what if I realize that I'm still in love with her?"

Lucas paused after he uttered the last word. He hadn't meant to say that out loud.

"You…?" Marshall began.

"Yeah. I do." he admitted and walked back into the living room.

…………………

"This is bad."

Corrine looked at Marshall as they walked back to campus and sighed. "I know."

"You realize what's going to happen? It's gonna be Blake Holesy all over. I don't think I can watch Lucas go through that again." Marshall looked ready to jump out of his skin he was so nervous.

"Marshall," Corrine stopped him and took his hand, "we can't exactly force Lucas to kick her out."

"She's going to break his heart. Again. We can't just stand by and watch that happen."

She smiled sadly. "We have to."

…………………

Lucas knocked lightly on Josie's door. It was open, but he didn't feel comfortable just waling in the way he had back at school.

She looked up from her unpacking and smiled. "Hey."

"You settling in alright?"

"Yeah." She looked at him quizzically. "What happened to the contacts?"

He pushed his small wire-rimmed glasses up on his nose. "They were starting to bother me."

"Much better than the ones you were wearing the last time I saw you." she said teasingly.

He smiled at the mention of his large plastic glasses. It meant she had actually noticed when she came back, despite everything that had been on her mind at the time. Then he mentally kicked himself for thinking that way.

"You need any help?" he gestured to the boxes scattered around the room.

"No need." she picked the one off her bed and tossed it to the floor. "That was the last one. At least until my mom gets here this weekend."

Lucas couldn't really think of anything else to say, so he decided he better head off for the sleepless night of looking at his ceiling that was awaiting him. "Well, I'm just gonna call it a night. If you need anything…"

"I know. And thanks again. It really means a lot." she smiled at him warmly and he felt his heart lurch.

He headed to his room and flopped onto his bed, acutely aware that there was just one wall separating his headboard from Josie's. Sleepless nights looked to be something he needed to get used to.

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_**A/N: Sorry it's so short. I'm a little pressed for time. The next one will be longer and the plot will start to fully kick in. Oh, and just for reference's sake, I had the image of Michael in 'Life With Derek' in mind when I started this.**_


	4. Chapter 3

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"You what!" Corrine yelled.

Several people walking in front of them turned to stare at her. Like somebody yelling in the middle of a Manhattan street was all that unusual.

"I," Josie said, "am going to find Lucas a girlfriend."

"There's so much wrong with that I can't even begin to process it all." Corrine said.

"Come on Corrine. You've already said you yourself have been trying to fix him up for months. And that he didn't date anyone while I was gone. So that means his love life is basically that girl from camp when he was twelve, Katya, and me. No wonder he's so cranky lately."

"What about you?" Corrine said. "You love life basically boils down to Lucas and Vaughn. Is that why you're so cranky most of the time?"

Josie smacked her playfully on the arm. "I am not in pursuit of romance right now."

"And you think Lucas is?"

"Not sure. But I hate seeing him so unhappy."

"I get that. But you can't force him. I know, I've been trying. Not as hard as Marshall though." Corrine told her as they crossed the street to Josie's building.

"I knew I should have enlisted him to help me." Josie joked. Corrine shook her head and left for class, leaving Josie to plot by herself.

Once inside, she got out a pen and a pad of paper to write down all the girls she knew in New York. There weren't many, and the one's that she thought were good enough for him was even shorter. After much erasing, she ended up with three names.

Just then, Lucas opened the door and called out to see if she were home.

"In here." she yelled back.

Lucas stopped at the doorway into her room. "You look like you're hard at work."

"I have had a brilliant beyond brilliant idea, if I do say so myself." she said smugly.

"I'm almost afraid to ask."

"Are you busy tomorrow night?"

He gulped nervously at the look in her eyes. "I hope so."

…………………

"No." Lucas whispered harshly. He was whispering because he didn't want Katrina to hear them.

Katrina was the girl that had showed up fifteen minutes earlier saying she was Lucas's blind date for that night.

"I can't believe you." Corrine added. She and Marshall had been invited over for dinner, or so they thought. In actuality, Josie had been planning on them to help her persuade Lucas to go out with Katrina.

"She's cute." Marshall said, peering discretely around the corner.

Katrina was petite with long auburn hair and wide blue eyes. She was an extremely nice pre-med student in Josie's English class. She also happened to be the first name on Josie's list.

Corrine elbowed Marshall in the ribs.

"That's not the point. I said I didn't want to be fixed up." Lucas hissed.

"Oh come on Lucas, what can it hurt to go out with her?" Marshall asked.

"Fine. I'll go, but just for coffee or something." Lucas agreed reluctantly.

Josie grinned and grabbed his arm, pulling him out into the living room. Katrina stood up, nervousness written all over her face. "Is everything alright?"

"Yeah," Josie said brightly, "we were just helping Lucas…"

"Find his jacket." Marshall finished, picking it off the chair beside him and thrusting it at Lucas.

"Right." Josie added. She poked Lucas in the side to get him to move. He had been standing as still as a statue through the whole conversation. He started slightly, and pushed his glasses up on his nose. "You ready?"

Katrina smiled shyly at him. "Let's go."

He held the door open for her, turning back to glare at his friends before departing.

…………………

"So, how long have you and Josie been roommates?" Katrina asked him.

"Two months. But we went to high school together." he replied mechanically, sipping his coffee.

She bit her lip nervously. "Wow. I only talk to like two of my friends from high school. You guys must be pretty close."

"Yeah."

She tried again. "Corrine and Marshall, they went to school with you guys, too?"

"Yeah." He took another sip of his coffee.

"Lucas, am I boring you?" she asked finally.

He looked up, surprised. "No."

"Well you could have fooled me. You've been less than friendly all night and now you're barely speaking at all."

He sighed, sitting his cup down. "I'm sorry. I'm just a bit distracted. It's not you at all."

"It's Josie right?"

He felt his eyes widen. "Josie?"

"She pushed you into this. I kinda figured. The way she was talking about you in class, it's obvious you guys are really good friends. I have a feeling you're here more for her than you are for yourself. Am I getting warm?"

He smiled despite himself. "Something like that."

"In that case, would you mind if we call it an evening? You're nice, but I'm not really interested in a guy who doesn't really want to be out with me." she asked bluntly.

"Sure. If I were looking for a girlfriend right now, you'd be a great choice." he said sincerely.

"Well Josie has my number. Remember me when you are looking." With a wave she left. And Lucas was left wondering how he was going to deal with telling Josie that her plan had failed.

…………………

Josie wasn't as upset as he thought she would be. In fact, she wasn't upset at all. She had already lined up another date for him the next night with a girl from her job in the school library.

"Josie," Lucas said slowly, "I am not looking for a girlfriend right now. How many times do I have to tell you that?"

"I just want you to be happy." she said. "If you don't like Maddie, then Charolette's great. I bet you two would really hit it off."

He gave her an incredulous look. "Just how many dates do you have planned for me?"

"Me, three. Corrine and Marshall are still planning." she admitted.

Lucas began rubbing his temples. "My head hurts."

…………………

Lucas was awoken several hours later by Josie shaking his shoulder. After three weeks of her bring there, he had come up with the idea of going to bed hours before her so he could actually get some sleep and making up for the rest with naps while she was at work.

So needless to say, he wasn't particularly thrilled to have her wake him up on one of the rare nights he had been having a peaceful, and more importantly dreamless, sleep.

"What's wrong?" He groped for his glasses on the nightstand and then realized they wouldn't help as there wasn't a shred of light anywhere.

"The power's out." she said simply. But there was a slight tremor in her voice that Lucas hadn't heard in a long time.

He sat up, placing his glasses back in the general vicinity of his nightstand since he couldn't make anything out anyway.

"It's an old building. The circuits get overloaded from time to time. It'll be back on by the morning." he assured her.

He felt the bed sink as Josie sat down next him. "It sort of reminds me of being in that alternate timeline. There was no power there, and I was all alone… that was the worst time in my life."

Lucas felt his heart breaking at what she must have gone through during that year. More than anything he wished he could go back in time and change it so she would have never had to go through that.

"What can I do?" he asked. "Just name it."

Josie paused briefly, like she was nervous about her answer. Did she really want him to go back in time?

"Can I stay with you?" she asked finally.

Lucas was glad it was dark, for his mouth had to be scraping the covers by now. "Here?"

"I don't want to be alone right now. And I feel safe with you. I always have." she added in a small voice.

He nodded mutely. Then remembered that she couldn't see him. So instead he tugged his blankets down far enough for her to slide under them. Which she did quickly. He laid back down slowly, knowing instinctively that he wouldn't be getting any sleep for the rest of the night. Josie turned over until she was facing him, and scooted closer, so close he could feel air hit his nose every time she took a breath. It wasn't long before her breathing evened out as sleep overtook her.

And Lucas stayed awake all night in the dark, staring as f he could see her, and wondered just how long it would be until this whole thing blew up in his face.


End file.
